Status update

So, I took two doses of vicodin yesterday, one about an hour after I got home and one just before bed. That pretty much guaranteed a full day and night of sleep. This morning, I woke up with a bit of a narcotic hangover that stuck with me until about 2pm. Other than that, physically I feel like any other day. No cramping, no bleeding, no pain. So, things have gone as well as they could for the situation.

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In between naps

went as smoothly as it could. two doses of morphine before I left, reassured them I’d be fine without a third. Just slept off the first two hours of my first dose of vicodin.

Almost no cramping, very light bleeding. Just extremely heart-sore. Should have the chromosomal testing results in 2-3 weeks.

Interesting tidbit to share when I’m not so dopey.

Thanks for the shouts!

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Planning ahead

Ok, so we hit the grocery store yesterday. Today, I’m getting the bread dough made and doing as much prep work for Thursday and Friday’s dinners as I can so that all Shannon has to do is actually bake the bread and either bring the stew to a simmer or broil the salmon filets. I have my prescription for vicodin filled. I’ve set the dvr to record some trashy tv shows today for me to watch in my drugged haze for the next two days. I have a two-foot tall pack of the biggest, thickest pads I could find (just in case). I have jello chocolate pudding. The only thing I don’t have is ginger ale because I didn’t feel like driving back across the county to whole foods to get their ginger ale. I might ask Shannon to bring some home tonight.

We have to be at the clinic at 7:30 in the morning. I have to fill out a brief survey to wrap up my participation in the drug study that helped pay for my IVF cycle and I have to bring in all of the empty vials/boxes of drugs that we used. The procedure is scheduled for 8:30. I’ll be receiving IV antibiotics, then put under IV sedation (which they also use for egg retrieval and for my hysteroscopy/laparoscopy so I know I’ll be sound asleep). Dr. N said it should take about 15 minutes and that she doesn’t do any scraping to prevent scarring. After that, it’s a wait-and-see game about going home. It depends on my pain level and my breathing mostly. I will try to remember to get Shannon to post an update, but it’s probably safe to assume that no news just means I’m being a druggy, needy patient and he’s too busy fixing me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup to log on. He’s had waaaay too much practice at being my nurse I’m afraid.

I really appreciate the great shout. I’m so far past the point of sympathy and kind words just seem to make me feel raw even though I know in my heart how well intentioned they are. But knowing that such a huge bunch of internet friends are shouting “FUCK TACOS MUD KIPZ BALL SACK” at the universe makes me feel better. My voice might get lost in the noise, but everyone shouting it is sure to get through. Thanks for that.

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The morning after

We’re both still here and standing. It’s probably more from sheer will power and stubbornness than anything else, but it’s all we’ve got. I appreciate the great howl at the universe. Maybe this time it will get through because, honestly? I’ve finally snapped. I didn’t say it last year. I didn’t say it this past December. But, damn it, I’m saying it now. Why fucking me?! What have I done? What didn’t I do? Haven’t I been through enough already? We’re well past the point of making me stronger and starting to edge into killing me territory. Don’t I deserve a fucking break? See? I’ve finally crumbled. I can’t just take a deep breath and move on. I’m whining now.

I’m standing here, stripped bare, shouting into the vast nothingness of this universe stomping my feet like a petulant toddler and I want to know when it’s fucking going to be my turn. I faced the fear of needles down. I threw away any and all shyness I had. I’ve allowed myself to be poked and prodded and evaluated by complete strangers. I have done the right thing at every turn, no matter how hard, no matter how much I didn’t want to. I have earned my chance. I have had more taken from me than you can imagine and I AM OWED.

Last night, after coming home from the sonogram, I had to go to class. I can’t afford to not go to one out of four nights. I swallowed down the tears and put it all aside for four hours. And what happened there? During the break one of the other students asked the teacher about the photo of the toddler on his website and the line about being a new father. I had to sit there with my fingers in my ears and my eyes closed while he showed photos of his 15 month old daughter to the entire room and talked about all the wonderful things she does. Would anyone like to take a stab at how old Lennox and Zoe would be right now? I made it through the last two hours of class somehow. Just like I’ve made it through every day of the past almost 17 months.

I’m tired. I’m angry beyond words. I’ve no more patience for anything. And I’m so very tired.

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third sono

No heartbeat.

No growth since last week.

D&C scheduled for Thursday.

Personally, I’d like whomever is in charge of this fucking circus that is my life to go shove it up their ass.

No sympathy please. I’m not in the mood for kind thoughts. Cussing is allowed.

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Geez

If you are told to pay attention to any abdominal pains it’s a given that you will feel a bazillion of them. Aaand, progesterone slooooows down your digestive system…which causes some (ahem) abdominal discomfort and pain.

Nothing like having to evaluate everything you feel to try to determine if it’s caused by gas, constipation, normal pregnancy cramping, or something going wrong.

I’m REALLY ready for Friday to get here.

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Still here, still waiting

and over-analyzing every twinge and scanning for the first sign of spotting. So far, all of the twinges have gone away and there’s been no hint of pink.

I’m tired by 7pm. I’m constantly grazing (thank goodness it’s a good fruit season). My boobs are frequently sore. Not so much nausea this week, but I did go ahead and switch my toothpaste to be safe since that is what would set me off when I was pregnant with the twins. Oh, and I have a sort of constant menstrual-ish type cramp that doesn’t go through to my back or down to my thighs like a real period cramp would. It’s very localized and very minor and I’ve had it for over a week now. So, for the record I am pretty sure I’m still pregnant even without the constant betas. I just have no idea if I’m pregnant the right way or if I’ll continue to be pregnant for much longer.

Today makes it 5w1d. 5w2d is the point I lost the pregnancy in December with no warning. Not that I’m WORRYING or anything. grumblegrumblegrumble-nurse-tells-me-not-to-worry-grumblegrumblegrumble.

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Beta #4

Today’s beta is 573. Again, not quite doubling. Let’s recap, shall we?

1. June 3 9dp5dt 167
2. June 5 11dp5dt 231
3. June 7 13dp5dt 379
4. June9 15dp5dt 573

(That’s not even a 60% increase. For that, it would have to be 606.)

So I’ve been warned to pay attention to any pain that occurs on one side and doesn’t go away and call immediately if that happens. Apparently, ectopic pregnancies typically have betas that rise but don’t quite double. I don’t have to go back for any more betas, which is nice. Now I have to sweat out 10 more days until my sonogram. We’re also within days of the point where I started bleeding in both previous pregnancies, so I have that to watch for as well. The nurse who called gave me the standard, “I’ve seen it work out before” line, but the tone of her voice didn’t match the words. I don’t believe she thinks there’s much chance of this working out. I certainly don’t. I hope I get the chance to eat those words, but it’s not looking that way.

Here’s the breakdown of the doubling times, courtesy of the hcg beta calculator at BetaBase.Info

beta results

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waiting

I’m going to choose to take it as a good sign that I got the PA who does a really good job with the blood draws.  Almost no pain with the stick and no big ass bruise afterwards.  Had to have two vials drawn – one for the beta and one for the study.

Also had to fill out a survey about my opinions on PIO…I’m surprisingly blase about it.  I mean, I hate the shots but I understand the need.  It isn’t any more or less convenient than carrying around suppositories to “apply” three times a day and while the injection sites might get itchy they certainly aren’t messy.  And this is why I need a text box when taking a multiple choice survey – the question was “Which method of progesterone delivery do you prefer?”  with the choices being PIO, a couple of different name brands or pharmacy compounded supps.  I picked PIO.  My reason?  It’s the only method that has worked for me.  I never got pregnant on a cycle with a different brand.  Well, I got pregnant on the Endometrin, but it didn’t last.  It has nothing to do with me preferring the injections and everything to do with wanting to stick with the winning horse.

So, it’s 10:30 cdt.  I figure I’ve probably got another hour to 90 minutes before Nurse Lee Ann gets the test results and calls me.  She promised to watch for them and call ASAP.  Either way, there’s chocolate ice cream with dark chocolate chips in it in the freezer at home.

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New cycle

All of the forms are signed and notarized. I’m taking them in to the clinic as soon as the oven finishes the self-cleaning cycle (boy, does that make the house stink or what?)

Both of us have had whatever labwork we needed and everything came back normal or within the appropriate limits.

We got approved to borrow the money to cover the clinic fees.

And after being “randomized” (that word bothers me for some reason) for the study, I’ve been assigned follistim and PIO. That combination I know well. All of my non-clomid iui’s were on follistim and my first IVF was follistim, micro-dose ovidrel and pio. Nice to at least know what to expect. The prescriptions are being faxed in right now.

I’ve been taking birth control pills for about a week. Now I stop and wait for another cycle day 1, then we jump in with both feet.

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