I guess the universe just hasn’t finished testing my limits.
1. I never heard back from the woman I emailed at the clinic. The email didn’t bounce, so I assume she still works there. Maybe it just weirded her out and she chose to ignor it? So, I suppose I’ll suck it up and just call and go through whomever answers the phone. Or maybe I’ll chicken out just a little longer and get my annual check-ups with the regular doctor out of the way first. I wonder if it would be easier to call the clinic and try to do it over the phone or go in and set up the appointment in person, face to face. I know I need to just go for it and get moving or this cement I’m standing in is going to harden and I’ll never be able to move forward.
2. I got a letter from a department within the Texas Department of Health that cheerfully informed me that Zoe had been accepted in to their immunization tracking system. Apparently it’s something I consented to in writing. I assume it must be something the hospital does. I had to sign so many things when Zoë and Lennox were born, and I was so distracted/drugged, who knows what I consented to. You’d think that being part of the Department of Health, which oversees both birth and death certificates there’d be some central database that would flag accounts when the child dies. But, no, I had to wade through four layers of phone menus to get a real person then explain that I’d just received their letter and thank you very much but Zoë died in January and won’t be receiving any immunizations. Even though I had her client number, I still had to give her full name, date of birth, and date of death. Then, because I’m learning I mentioned that I would assume her twin brother never made it into the system since he died at three days old, but could she please check that as well. Then I had to spell out L-e-n-n-o-x M-a-x-i-m-i-l-i-a-n and yes, he was born on the same day as Zoë. For the record, it didn’t make me cry. I don’t often use the words “dead”, “Zoë”, and/or “Lennox” together out loud, but I have at least tried to use them often enough in my head to try to take the sting out of it. You know how if you say a word over and over it stops making sense? That’s sort of what I’ve tried to do. It isn’t as effective as I’d like but just like I had to try to see that building as just a hospital and not a place where bad things happen, I had to make it just words. After all, it’s my reality now and I can’t fall apart every single time, right? Hopefully this is one of the last times I’ll have to handle any more “official” business that requires it.
How’s your Monday?