I’d been trying to think of something significant for my 500th post. That just seemed like a milestone that deserved it. Then, just the other day, I realized what today was. I’m not all that good at what I call “circular math”…that is, calculating how long it’s been on a calendar or doing math involving time. I get all mixed up. Plus, I’d reached a point on all of my calendars where I hadn’t filled in any “special” dates. There weren’t any reminders of what today was. I’m not even sure what triggered the realization that today was anything special.
Today, the twins would have been six months old. I’ve been without them for as long as I had them now. That’s hard for me to wrap my brain around.
For the most part, I think I’m doing really well. I still cry at the drop of a hat, but I’m better at recovering from it and at distracting myself from the triggers. I haven’t had THE nightmare in weeks. While there still hasn’t been a single day I haven’t thought about Lennox and Zoë and what happened, there are sometimes stretches of several hours when I don’t think about it. We’re laughing again and it doesn’t feel wrong, or fake. I don’t feel quite so guilty when I realize we’re being happy.
But today. Every day from now on means that they have been gone more than they were here, inside me, under my heart. Every day I lose a little bit more detail. I have to work hard to remember the shape of Lennox’s mouth, or the feel of Zoë’s toes in my hand.
I miss you both so much. Today should have been a much different milestone.