I’m still not sure. I still have pile after pile of doubts and lists of questions. I feel my stomach twist just thinking about it. But I keep coming back to one thing. For just the briefest of times, our family was almost complete, perfect, how it was meant to be. And now? Now I am painfully aware of what is missing. I couldn’t see it before. I had nothing to compare to.
My RE has returned from her maternity leave. She actually had a telephone consult with me before she came back. I’d called the office to try to set up an appointment, which ended up with me in tears, explaining to the poor receptionist with the bad luck to pick up the phone exactly why I needed a consult. She emailed Dr. N at home and gave her the Cliff’s Notes version and Dr. N refused to let me talk to anyone else at the clinic. She reviewed our embryo report and feels like the 6 we have left are still of high enough quality to make it worth trying with them. No more putting back two though. The best anyone has been able to come up with is that I “just wasn’t meant to carry twins” and, since I had to have a classic c-section (a vertical incision through both the muscle and the uterus) multiples wouldn’t be a good thing as now we’ve added the risk of rupture (It’s a small risk, but have you seen how my luck tends to run?). So, instead, we’ll thaw them one at a time, see how that one does and either use it or thaw the next one. For her part, I’ll have a saline sonogram to check for any scar tissue adhesions before we start. I’m actually a little nervous about that. Not about the procedure, but about the results. I’ve had four abdominal surgeries. Three of them were major procedures and yet I’ve only had very minor adhesions from two of them, both of which were addressed during the surgery in which they were discovered. My luck on that front can’t hold out forever and we’ve hit so many stumbling blocks in the past…
I’m waiting to see about getting a consultation with the Maternal-Fetal-Medicine specialist who treated me while I was on bedrest. Dr. T was a fantastic doctor. He spoke to us like intelligent people. He listened to every concern, no matter how silly it seemed. He answered questions with a lot of detail and he had a good sense of humor. Because of the PPROM, I won’t pass GO this time. I’ll go straight to the super high risk doctors and I’ve been told that Dr. T and his partners are the best in the area. I didn’t know that before, but I believe it. So, before we even start, before the first lupron shot comes anywhere near me, I have a list of questions for him. Hopefully, we’ll be able to see him next week. I haven’t seen him or been to his office (which is at the hospital) since my 6-week postpartum check when I broke down in tears in his waiting room. I’m a little nervous about going back. Shannon is going with me. He hasn’t been back to the hospital since we picked up the little box of Zoë’s things. I’m a little worried about how that’s going to affect him. I think he still thinks of the hospital as a place where bad things happen.
I keep coming back to one question. Is this the right decision? I’ve asked Shannon that so many times, I’m afraid he might start to get a little upset with me. I know, deep down, that it is and I truly believe that I am ready. I’m not rushing into this because I want to replace what I lost. Nothing can do that. I just want my family to be the way it should be. I’m scared. Before, the fear was academic. It was percentages. This time, the fear is palpable. I wonder how I’ll get through without going completely nuts.
I’m ready to move forward. That’s different from moving on, I think. Moving on implies leaving the past behind, starting fresh. That doesn’t happen. I look at Shannon and myself and how much we’ve changed in big ways and little ones. This experience goes with us everywhere, colors everything we do, think, and say. So, we move forward. Hopefully. Fearfully. Slowly.
If there are any of you out there who experienced PPROM and have since gotten pregnant again, or are trying, could you email me? I have some questions. My email is ourowncreation at gmail dot com. Put PPROM in the subject line so it doesn’t get deleted (I get so much spam these days, I sometimes just dump everything sent by a name I don’t recognize).