Shannon and I are overwhelmed at the amount of love you have shown us and our sweet Zoë. We have to read your comments in bits and pieces still, but we do read them, here and on Zoë’s blog.
Sometimes when you feel most alone, you find out just how many friends you have, even if you’ve never met them and don’t know their names.
I know many of you have asked if there is something you can do. We are going to be setting up some memorial funds in Zoë and Lennox’s names soon. Unfortunately, at a time when you least want to be dealing with forms and legalities, you find yourself flooded with unpleasant business to attend to which leaves you with little energy to address the business that might make you feel slightly better. Our plan is to set up a donation fund with Cook Children’s Hospital to raise some money for neonatal research and to see if we can set up a memorial “fund” with the Red Cross for blood donations. Obviously, we no longer need the donations to offset the blood that gets used, but both Shannon and I rather like the idea of Zoë and Lennox being remembered by getting blood donated to help others. As before, once I have the details all worked out, I will post them on Zoë’s blog (the link is in the sidebar).
We are not out of these deep dark woods yet. Days bring distraction, stretches of time when the brain is occupied enough and sometimes, we even find ourselves laughing and having fun. Nights however, bring quiet. I am having a hard time pushing away the memory of voices, people saying things I never wanted to hear, me saying things I never wanted to have to say. I’ll never complain again about having a song stuck in my head. Hearing “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” a bazillion times in my brain will never be as bad as what I keep hearing over and over now.
There are still so many rough days ahead of us. There is still one more trip to the funeral home. We are waiting for autopsy results in the hopes of getting some answer to the question, “Why?” There are more returns to be made, things to be packed safely away, certificates to be obtained. At some point, life insurance checks will ambush me from the former safety of my mailbox.
Not a moment goes by that I don’t think about their sweet faces, their tiny hands. I struggle to hold on to the memory of her little body resting so calmly against mine as her toes wiggled against my chest. There are memories I desperately want to fade, but I fear that one going out of focus.
This is not the future we’d been dreaming about.
Posting may be scarce for awhile. In the immediate future, we are heading out of Dodge for a few days. We need to be somewhere safe and comfortable and neutral. Shannon and I are going to wrap ourselves in a cocoon of isolation for a long weekend and try to find our footing. Beyond that, I’m not sure where we go from here.
I hope you find your footing, sweetie. Just thinking about you two and sending good thoughts.
Thank you for the update, although painful to write as well as painful to read. I would be honored and proud to make a donation in your son and daughter’s name once a fund has been established- I know the legalities and technicalities are the farthest things from your mind but when the time does come, please know you have a large community-although strangers to you- who feel for you and cry for you and are devastated for you.
You have given birth to angels in all respects- beautiful babies who have touched so many in their short lives. I could never fathom your pain and confusion, but I am praying that you find strength and peace in time.
Thank you again for the update and your absence is completely understandable while you attempt to heal. Wishing you comfort in memories and peace in life.
Always,
Jeannine
Thinking of you. Hoping for answers and a small measure of peace.
thinking of you and wishing you healing hearts and some peace. ~luna
Take your time … you will need lots of it to come to grips with losing Zoe & Lennox. I think it is great idea of the blood donation foundation.
Hold those precious memories close -even the not so precious ones will be something you always want to hang on to.
Blessings and strength to you both. Hold each tight even when you are grieving on different ‘pages’.
may God be with you and help you find your way. your in my prayers
Taking time to help each other through the days and weeks ahead is the best thing you could do for each other. I hope that this break will give you some peace, even if it is only for a few moments. I again send my love and prayers your way…
And we will be here waiting for when you feel you are able to return. Take care.
I can’t imagine anything worse than losing your precious babies. I am more sorry than words can express. Perhaps they will learn something medically from your experiences that can save other babies in the future, bit it shouldn’t have to be that way.
Take your time.. know that no matter how long you take and how scarce your posts are.. we will be here for you. You, Shannon, Zoe and Lennox are loved by many.
May God continue holding you in peace and love.
You have been and will continue to be in my prayers. I am so sorry this happened.
I think it’s wonderful to carry on Lennox’ and Zoe’s memory and look forward to hearing more about it…
Take care of each other.
Sadly, the deep dark woods go on for a while, and just when you think you’re out of them, they pop up in the most unexpected places. Please know there is a world of support within the computer ready to listen when you’re ready to tell. There’s no hurry. Do whatever it is you need to do. You all remain in my heavy, breaking heart.
I am so sorry you are in this dark place.
There will be tears, now and in the months and years to come. In the beginning it felt like doing hard physical labor, this work of grief. I am so sorry you are here.
I am thinking of you and wishing you a measure of peace.
I’ll be praying for comfort and strength. Sending you a huge hug and lots of love
I wish you and S. peace and the time to collect your thoughts and memories, as you both are in my thoughts during this difficult time.
Sending you so much comfort, love, peace and hugs to the both of you as you go through this horrid grieving process. Still so very sorry that this has happened 😦
I am so very sorry.
Hold fast to each other. Hold on.
I’m so sorry. Be gentle with yourselves.
I just read the terrible news about Zoe. I am so so sorry. What an awful thing to happen. I am so sorry for your loss of Zoe and Lennox, so sorry.
My heart is breaking for you…we are all thinking about you guys…
I just got caught up on the last couple of weeks. I can’t believe the heartache you must be feeling. Such hope and sadness so close together. I wish I could hold your heart together for you while you heal. I am so sorry.
I hope you find ways to channel your grief, so that it doesn’t remain as overwhelming as it is right now.
You and your family will be in my prayers. I’m so sorry for your losses.
Know that I’m thinking about you both. And hoping you find some answers that bring you peace.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your babes. I lost twins at 20 weeks in November due to ruptured sacs … and have been following your journey ever since.
There are no words that I can say to make you feel better, or help your pain, but know that I am thinking of you as you mourn the loss of Zoe and Lennox.
I am so very sorry. Those words see so inadequate at a time like this. My best to you and your family as you try to cope through this difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you are able to find some peace.