Food for thought

“Fear not what is not real, never was and never will be. What is real, always was and cannot be destroyed.”
~Bhagavad Gita

Deep thoughts on a birthday eve.

Finally!

It’s starting to get pleasantly cool at night and that makes me want soups and stews for dinner. Nevermind that we’re still hitting 85 or so during the day!

I’m always looking for new soup recipes, so I thought I’d propose a sort of recipe swap. I’m going to post the soup recipe I made last night, which was fantastic (after a little fiddling with the original Bon Appetit recipe. Then, I’m inviting anyone who wants to add a link to their blog and post a favorite soup recipe on their own website. Think of it as a virtual taste tour and a way to expand your recipe repertoire!

Happy eating!

(I found the original recipe in Bon Appetit and made a few changes to it to fit my pantry at the time. Then, I made a few changes as it cooked because I thought it needed a bit more intense flavor. This is my final variation on it. For clarity I’ve tried to put all of my comments at the end!)

Phase one…the beans

1 pound dried flageolets
8 cups room temp water
2 T olive oil
1 large head of garlic, with just the loose peels removed and about 1/2 inch of the top sliced off to expose the cloves
1 handful of fresh sage sprigs
1/4 t whole peppercorns¹
1t kosher salt

After picking through beans to check for any stones or bad beans, soak the beans overnight in enough water to cover them generously.

Drain the beans and put them in a large heavy pot. Add the 8 cups of water, the olive oil, the garlic, the peppercorns, and the sage. Bring to a high simmer, then reduce the temperature to allow them to slowly simmer, uncovered for about 90 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add in 1t kosher salt. Continue to simmer, adding more water if necessary to keep the beans covered, until they are tender. Remove from heat and allow the beans to cool in the liquid for an hour.

Using a slotted spoon, remove the garlic, sage, and peppercorns. DO NOT DRAIN THE BEANS!! You want that cooking liquid.

¹ I put the peppercorns in loose. Next time, I think I’ll put them in the mesh steeping ball-thingy I use to make mulled cider. Finding all of those peppercorns in a pale green beany sauce is a pain in the butt! As for the sage, focus on getting all the stems. You’ll miss a few leaves but it wont matter.

Phase 2….is it soup yet?
3T olive oil
chopped onion
chopped carrot
chopped celery²
3.5 c water (or more)
the beans WITH their cooking liquid
1 large tomato, seeded, finely chopped³
1 cup of small uncooked soup pasta….I used tubetti.  I wouldn’t go any bigger than small elbows or shells and I think things like alphabets or orzo would be too small.
Dry white wine
juice of one lemon
salt and pepper to taste

Sweat the onions, celery, and carrots in the olive oil until soft. Add onion mixture, tomatoes, a splash of white wine and water to the beans and cooking liquid. Bring to a simmer for 25 minutes. Add pasta (and more water if necessary…remember the pasta is going to soak up some of the liquid) and increase to a high simmer/low boil until pasta is cooked just to al dente. Season with salt and pepper to taste. If you feel the soup needs a bit more something, add the lemon juice (a couple of teaspoons at a time, stir and taste). Serve sprinkled with parmesan.

² Honestly, does anyone really measure these three things when making soup? If you’re like me, you use one onion, a couple of carrots and a couple stalks of celery.

³I used romas, because I had them…about 6 I think.  I never bother to seed tomatoes for things like this.  You could also probably easily get away with a can of drained diced tomatoes.

Have a recipe you want to share? Post a link below!

This is my first time using Mr. Linky. Let me know if you have any problems.

99 things

Ok, so I’ve been an incredibly lax blogger these days. There are only so many things I can write about the fact that:

I still don’t have a job (although I had my second interview in almost a year this past week)
we aren’t currently cycling and don’t know exactly when we will
we still haven’t sold the house (although we had TWO showings today…our first since listing with the new agent three weeks ago)
I’ve turned into a crocheting fool!

I have had some entry ideas tossing around in my head, but they never seem to make it to the “paper” so to speak.
In the meantime, I haven’t done any annoying memes in awhile, so I googled around until I found one that interested me. Here ya go. If you are reading, consider yourself tagged but only if you want to be.

THE 99 THINGS MEME

1. Started your own blog.
Um…
2. Slept under the stars.
Yes, quite a few times at summer camp
3. Played in a band.
Not unless you count Guitar Hero
4. Visited Hawaii.
Not yet
5. Watched a meteor shower.
Yes. One summer I drove up to an outlook point on the Blue Ridge Parkway to watch the Perseid meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
Well, that would be a bit irresponsible. I do donate regularly to several charities though.
7. Been to Disneyland/world.
I’ve been to Disney World at least twice. The only thing I remember about the first visit was getting separated from my parents
8. Climbed a mountain.
Yes, although it’s a much simpler process when you are in the Appalachian Mountains than, say the Himalayas
9. Held a praying mantis.
Just the other day, in fact. A huge one was hanging around on our front door and I thought it would be happier in the flower bed.
10. Sang a solo.
Only when alone in my car. Trust me, it’s better that way.
11. Bungee jumped.
Yes! Virginia Beach, summer of 1989.
12. Visited Paris.
Yes, and it was one of those moments I’d dreamed of for years come true.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
Well, we got caught in a lightning storm while out boating one July near Boston. At the time, it was the most
terrifying thing I’d ever been through.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
Calligraphy, knitting, crocheting, cross-stitch, upholstery, sewing
15. Adopted a child.
Not yet, but it might happen
16. Had food poisoning.
Oh, yes. Definitely. Someday I might be able to eat lobster again.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
Several times in the same day! Take four girls ages about 10-13 to the Statue of Liberty and see how many times they can run up
those stairs!
18. Grown your own vegetables.
Yes, and it’s something I’ve missed being able to do these past years.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
Yes. I was more blown away by Michelangelo’s David in Florence, though.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
I don’t know that what I did was sleep. I napped on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
Are there people who haven’t had pillow fights? Go, have one right now if that’s the case. I’ll wait.
22. Hitch hiked.
No, because while I’m kinda crazy I’m NOT batshit insane.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
I’m gonna plead the fifth on this one.
24. Built a snow fort.
Raleigh, NC isn’t really known for its prodigious snows, but when we had them, I played in them. I’m sure there were attempts at
snow forts.
25. Held a lamb.
Not that I remember. Baby goats, sure. There may have been lambs at one of those petting zoos….
26. Gone skinny dipping.
Yeppers.
27. Run a marathon.
I can only imagine what that would do to my flat feet.
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
No, because by the time I got to Venice I didn’t have much money, but I rode on the vaporetto several times.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
A couple
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
How could you not watch a sunset? Vampire? Yes, I’ve watched both.
31. Hit a home run.
No. I have a huge fear of hard objects being thrown at me at high speeds.
32. Been on a cruise.
Nope.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
Yes. Rode the Maid of the Mists even.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
Well, I went to Italy, but didn’t make it to Sicily. I haven’t been to Hungary or Germany or Ireland. So, that’s a sort-of-but-not-quite.
35. Seen an Amish community.
On the same trip that took me to Niagara Falls, we went to Lancaster Co., Pennsylvania and were going to visit a working Amish
farm but at the last minute I got a serious case of the creeps about touring the farm because it felt too much like seeing this
family in a zoo and I refused to go. We drove around quite a bit though.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
I started teaching myself Mandarin, then took classes. Then, I took some Japanese classes and have been studying on my own
(and with Shannon) since.
37.Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
If I understand the spirit behind this one, then yes. When I was working we had reached an income level at which we were happy
and able to live the way we wanted.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
Not yet.
39. Gone rock climbing.
I’m going to have to do a LOT more work on the pull-up machine at the gym before I could even consider this one.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person.
Yes and it was one of those moments in life that I will never forget.
41. Sung Karaoke.
I’m embarassed to admit that, yes, I have sung karaoke…at a pub…in Edinburgh. We sang The Beach Boy’s “California Girls”….badly.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
Nope.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.
No, but I have paid for someone else’s coffee, given a woman money for a DART pass, and filled random parking meters.
44. Visited Africa.
No, but I’d like to.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
Yes.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
Yes, when I was transferred from the hospital I checked into when Lennox’s membrane ruptured to the hospital with the trauma
NICU.
47. Had your portrait painted.
I had my portrait done in oil pastels when I was in 3rd grade, I think.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
I’ve been fishing on the ocean, many, many, many years ago (and by fishing I mean I probably had my hands on the fishing pole
while my father held it and then I went back to playing with my friend) but I don’t think you’d consider it deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
No, I didn’t make it to Rome.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
The day I spent walking around Paris, the Eiffel Tower was closed. I went to the top of the Arc de Triomphe instead.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
No.
52. Kissed in the rain.
I’m sure at some point in the past ten years, I’ve kissed in the rain. I mean, hell, it just rained here every day for 10 days and I’m
pretty sure I kissed Shannon at least once in that time. Oh…do you mean out IN the rain? Well, that I’m not as sure about. I
usually come in out of the rain!
53. Played in the mud.
Yeah.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
Yes! More than once.
55. Been in a movie.
Yes, but I was crowd-filler so I can’t really prove it. It was that cinematic masterpiece, “Heavyweights”
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
No and I’m still bitter about it. I was going to China after my high school graduation, but just before we were supposed to leave,
the tanks rolled into Tiananmen Square.
57. Started a business.
Yes. I had a VERY small landscaping business briefly.
58. Taken a martial arts class
No, but I’ve thought about it often.
59. Visited Russia.
No.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
I didn’t serve at a soup kitchen, but I volunteered at an overnight shelter.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
No, I was never a Girl Scout or an Indian Princess or any of that sort of thing. I don’t think I would have been very good at that.
62. Gone whale watching.
Yes, we did that not long before we left Massachusetts. That was a great fun day.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.
Yes, because I have a sweet guy!
64. Donated blood.
Once, then I promptly passed out. I tried to do it again a couple of years ago, but my pulse rate was too high and they wouldn’t
let me.
65. Gone sky diving.
No and Shannon says I’m not allowed to.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
No.
67. Bounced a check.
Unfortunately, yes.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
No and I’m not sure I ever will. I’m pretty sure I’d hurl.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
I have quite a few of my childhood toys…my Mrs. Beezley doll (complete with the, um, custom haircut), Noodles the stuffed
dog-bear, my red cash register, my toy phones…there’s at least one box in my garage and one or two more in my parents’ garage.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
Not that I remember. I haven’t been to DC with time to play tourist in a very long time. I’m hoping to change that once we move
back east.
71. Eaten Caviar.
I’ve had fish roe on sushi, and I don’t care for it, but I haven’t ever had Beluga/Sevruga/Osetra Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
One or two.
73. Stood in Times Square.
On New Year’s Eve, even.
74. Toured the Everglades.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ve been in the Everglades or not. We traveled to lots of places when I was younger and I’ve forgotten a
great many of them sadly.
75. Been fired from a job.
No. Laid-off, yes.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.
Yes.
77. Broken a bone.
Officially, like it is listed in my medical record somewhere? No, but I’m pretty sure I’ve broken a toe in the past.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
Yes
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
Only from the airplane as we flew home from Vegas.
80. Published a book.
No.
81. Visited the Vatican.
Didn’t I answer this earlier? Isn’t the Sistine Chapel part of the Vatican?
82. Bought a brand new car.
Yes.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
No, but I’d really like to some day.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
Yeah, a couple of times
85. Read the entire Bible.
I’ve read large portions of it, but not the entire thing.
86. Visited the White House.
No.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
No.
88. Had chickenpox.
If I did, it was a very mild case. We’ve always gone on the assumption that I never had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
Not that I’m aware of.
90. Sat on a jury.
Yep. I was the jury foreman on a drug possession trial.
91. Met someone famous.
I met Andy Griffith and Charles Kuralt.
92. Joined a book club.
A book club as in a group of people who get together to discuss books or a we’ll-send-you-a-book-every-month-unless-you-tell-us-not-to book club? No to the former, yes to the latter. Although, I was a literature major so you could make the argument that college was a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
I suppose there are a great many people who go through this list and get to this item and don’t get a huge, painful empty ache
in their chests. I am not one of them. The list of loved ones I’ve lost is longer than I wish to consider right now.
94. Had a baby.
I had two beautiful, perfect babies. I miss them very much.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
Urgh, after the last two items, this seems rather silly. But, yes, I’ve seen the Alamo. It wouldn’t be that hard to forget it, honestly.
It’s much smaller than you anticipate it being.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
No.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
Yes. I was deposed as a witness for the defense in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
One or two. :eyeroll:
99. Been stung by a bee.
Bees, wasps, yellow jackets, fire ants, nettles…
so far no jellyfish or scorpions.

So, there ya go. 99 things about me. Who’s next?

Wow

Ten years.

I can’t believe it’s been that long nor that is has gone by so fast. It seems like just last month I sat outside that Starbucks waiting to meet face-to-face with this friend I’d met online.

We got married in a hurricane. It looks like we’ll be celebrating in a thunderstorm today. In between, we’ve stood strong together against forces that would have wiped us out individually.

A few years ago, Shannon said, “You never have to panic as long as I am around.” So far, he’s been right. No matter how dark it gets, no matter how frightened I am, I can always just reach out and touch him and know I’m not alone.

He’s the guy who rubs my feet at the end of the day. He’s the one who will go out at sunset to bring in the laundry because the mutant mosquitos leave him alone. He’s the one who goes along with the plan to pull on our shoes with our pajamas and go to Sonic for a milkshake. He laughs at stupid online cat videos and laughs at me laughing at sneezing pandas. He puts me to be most nights by answering the question, “Why do you love me today?”

I don’t have any words that describe this guy or how much I love him. One of my favorite artists, Brian Andreas, comes close….

When I first met him, I knew in a moment I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there’d be room for him to stay. ~”Making Room“

Happy Tenth Anniversary, Shannon. I can’t wait to see what the next ten are like.

PTSD in NICU parents

I’m sure everyone has already seen the post over at Stirrup Queens, but just in case I wanted to post it here as well.

The New York Times has a post on post-traumatic stress disorder in NICU parents. It’s sort of one of those “well, duh” things but that’s probably a result of my perspective. I can’t put into words what being a NICU parent was like for those short three weeks and I can only imagine how hard it is for those who survived the NICU only to have to continue facing the on-going issues. I wish the article had addressed parents who didn’t bring their children home from the NICU as well. I think both types of parents suffer from Why-Aren’t-You-Over-It syndrome, which compounds the stress and makes it even harder to seek help.

I know that seventeen months later I still have nightmares; I still find myself suddenly remembering days in the NICU in vivid details, out of the blue in non-related settings…heart-stopping episodes in the grocery store or sitting in Starbucks; I can’t sleep more than I can…unless it’s when I want to be awake, THEN I can’t seem to keep my eyes open; I’ll probably never ride another exercise bike with a heart rate monitor on it; and I have yet to be more than a 30-minute drive away from Shannon. I avoid being around/discussing/overhearing discussion about infants and toddlers. That one takes particular creativity. I find myself imagining horrible accidents happening to other loved ones if I don’t keep a tight rein on my thoughts. What’s the daydream equivalent of a nightmare?

My major accomplishment? Twice I’ve been asked about my necklace and been able to give a neutral explanation without tearing up or giving the asker more information than they wanted.

Fortunately, I don’t have a problem with beeping sounds. From the very beginning in the NICU, we got the nurses and therapists to explain to us how to read the monitors and charts and what each alarm meant. I think being able to separate out the normal beeps from the emergency beeps and being able to distinguish between what was a capital-E emergency beep from a tired baby who needs a little higher oxygen emergency was a life-saver.

I count myself lucky. I do more than function. I do laugh. I don’t think I’ve made so many accomodations out of a need to protect myself that I’ve lost a significant part of my daily life. I continue to move forward.

I never did go to see a therapist. I probably should have but there is so much inertia and anxiety about it. How to find a good therapist. How to find one who isn’t going to bring religion into it (as I looked through the profiles of therapists covered by my insurance I was floored by how many listed faith-based therapy. The ones that didn’t mostly specialized in children and adolescents.). In the end, for better or worse, this is my therapy.

Like endless rain into a paper cup

I’m sitting in my living room which has been stripped of almost everything that makes it feel even remotely like home. I have about ninety minutes to wait until the new realtor arrives with the photographer so we can begin this process all over again. I’d already gotten used to the lack of photographs…those have been packed away since February. Now, shelves that were packed full of books, already pared down to the ones that I hadn’t gotten around to reading yet, are almost completely empty. What does remain was selected for visual aesthetics rather than literary interest, surrounded by blank white shelves. Favorite whatnots have been removed to “eliminate the clutter.” I know they mean well, but hearing the things we love, that we selected to remind us of happy moments referred to as clutter cuts deep. My kitchen, my favorite room, emptied of the tools I use every day. “Make it look like a model home,” she said. But even model homes are decorated to look as if someone might live there, with a coffee pot on that counter and a spice rack over there. Why not show that the cabinets are high enough and the counter deep enough to provide a home for a stand mixer?

I thought we’d stripped it down six months ago. The wall in the garage that is piled high with boxes seems to indicate that we did, but apparently it just wasn’t enough. Hopefully, this time, it will be.

The yard is freshly mown, edged, and mulched. I pruned back the giant lantanas that threatened to take over. The pomegranate is covered with tiny fruit and bright red-orange blooms that the hummingbirds love. I wish the daylilies had had a better year. Last year, they were blooming everywhere.

The cats are restless, wondering where all their toys have gone, not sure about having their bowls stuck in the guest bathroom. Fortunately, it’s only for a little while. Some things have to come back out of hiding.

I met with Dr. N yesterday. She still feels positive that this can and will work for us. We try to keep reminding ourselves that in more normal circumstances we’d have barely known I was pregnant these last couple of times and someone has to fall on the wrong side of the statistics. Genetic problems tend to prevent developing embryos from even reaching the blastocyst stage. I’ll start taking daily baby aspirin even though bloodwork showed no clotting abnormalities and I’ve never had a problem with my lining. Can’t hurt, might help. Keep eating well, keep exercising, try not to worry, consider the possibility of transferring one of the AB embryos and one of the BC embryos as a way of walking the line between increasing our chances while minimizing the risk of a twin pregnancy. We have time to think while we wait for a new year’s flex spending to begin.

In the meantime, our tenth wedding anniversary is a little more than a week away. I’d always hoped to celebrate ten years with a big trip somewhere. Instead, we’re spending a night in Dallas at a lovely boutique hotel we visited before for New Year’s. The distance traveled doesn’t matter as much as the company along the way. What a short ten years it has been. We aren’t where we hoped to be, but at least we’re here together.

I don’t know where this road leads. I lost my map awhile ago.

Just remember that you’re standing on a planet that’s evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That’s orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it’s reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the ‘Milky Way’.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It’s a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it’s just three thousand light years wide.
We’re thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go ’round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that’s the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space,
‘Cause there’s bugger all down here on Earth.
~ Eric Idle

Well, that’s done

We’ve fired our real estate agent. Her idea of good customer service was to not respond to my emails and to never call us. In the five months she’s been our agent, she’s shown our house exactly zero times. She tried to argue against our terminating the contract by telling us how slow the market is, ignoring the fact that 1. three homes in our neighborhood have gone on the market AND sold in the time ours has been on the market 2. our biggest complaint was her lack of communication…had she simply written an email or called a couple of times a month, we probably wouldn’t be dropping her now.

Now to find someone who will actually put forth a little effort and sell the house that my mother and I spent her visit redecorating.

Open letter to the universe

Dear universe,

You win. You’ve beaten me down. I surrender.

It’s been four years since I took that first clomid. I was cautiously optimistic then. I tried to hold on to that at each step…diagnosis of PCOS, discovery that my cervix was blocked with scar tissue, a screw-up with the endocrinology lab the day we were freezing a sample for our IVF, the need for ICSI…

Each time a cycle failed, there were no answers. Each time, I heard over and over about how wonderfully I responded to the protocols, how textbook perfect the embryos were. How well the twins were growing. How amazingly Zoe was defying all the odds of being a micro-preemie.

I lost my optimism right about then, but I tried to hold on to some hope. A high beta, rising just as it should. Bleeding. A perfect in vitro cycle with 11 high quality embryos. No heartbeat. At least this time, we had something to test, a way to see if there was a reason for this.

You, dear Universe, are a bastard. All I want is some explanation and instead, what do I get?

I finally called the clinic since it’s been about 6 weeks and I haven’t heard anything. Turns out, the lab couldn’t DO the chromosomal testing because there wasn’t enough tissue to test. I don’t know when the clinic received those results, because I was too angry to ask, but I did demand to know why no one bothered to call to tell me. My doctor is on vacation until next week, but the nurse I spoke to said she was sending her an email as soon as she got off the phone and Dr. N should contact me when she’s back in the office.

So, I have no answer. And the only reason I have no answer is because there wasn’t enough tissue to work with. It’s like it was dangled in front of me, teasing me like the way we dangle the toy mouse in front of the cat only to twitch it away as she lunges for it.

How am I supposed to make any sort of decision when I don’t have an answer?

So, you win. You have reduced me to this pile of brokenness. I’m frozen in place. I don’t know the right path to take anymore and I don’t know which scares me more…trying again and losing another one or stopping altogether. I hope you are happy now.

My so-called life

I’m sorry to be so dull these days, blog-wise. There just hasn’t been much to write about. I had a job interview, but haven’t heard back. I’m guessing that means they went with someone else. My mom came for a lovely visit and we did lots of fun things, including redecorating the entire house. We’re finally firing our real estate agent to see if we can find one who gives a damn. Um…I still haven’t heard from Dr. N, but I need to go in for a progesterone prescription so I’ll check to see if they have any news then.

For the third time, a class I was hoping to take to try to finish up this certification program was cancelled for low enrollment. I’m starting to think I’m never going to be able to finish. Someone was supposed to get in touch with me last week but didn’t which leads me to believe that message never got passed on. I’m starting to feel a little cranky.

That’s all I’ve got I’m afraid. Now you see why I haven’t been writing! I’m not complaining too much. I’m owed a few dull weeks. I’ll be back in full form before too much longer.

Meet Rose and Pansy