Open letter to the universe

Dear universe,

You win. You’ve beaten me down. I surrender.

It’s been four years since I took that first clomid. I was cautiously optimistic then. I tried to hold on to that at each step…diagnosis of PCOS, discovery that my cervix was blocked with scar tissue, a screw-up with the endocrinology lab the day we were freezing a sample for our IVF, the need for ICSI…

Each time a cycle failed, there were no answers. Each time, I heard over and over about how wonderfully I responded to the protocols, how textbook perfect the embryos were. How well the twins were growing. How amazingly Zoe was defying all the odds of being a micro-preemie.

I lost my optimism right about then, but I tried to hold on to some hope. A high beta, rising just as it should. Bleeding. A perfect in vitro cycle with 11 high quality embryos. No heartbeat. At least this time, we had something to test, a way to see if there was a reason for this.

You, dear Universe, are a bastard. All I want is some explanation and instead, what do I get?

I finally called the clinic since it’s been about 6 weeks and I haven’t heard anything. Turns out, the lab couldn’t DO the chromosomal testing because there wasn’t enough tissue to test. I don’t know when the clinic received those results, because I was too angry to ask, but I did demand to know why no one bothered to call to tell me. My doctor is on vacation until next week, but the nurse I spoke to said she was sending her an email as soon as she got off the phone and Dr. N should contact me when she’s back in the office.

So, I have no answer. And the only reason I have no answer is because there wasn’t enough tissue to work with. It’s like it was dangled in front of me, teasing me like the way we dangle the toy mouse in front of the cat only to twitch it away as she lunges for it.

How am I supposed to make any sort of decision when I don’t have an answer?

So, you win. You have reduced me to this pile of brokenness. I’m frozen in place. I don’t know the right path to take anymore and I don’t know which scares me more…trying again and losing another one or stopping altogether. I hope you are happy now.