We’re both still here and standing. It’s probably more from sheer will power and stubbornness than anything else, but it’s all we’ve got. I appreciate the great howl at the universe. Maybe this time it will get through because, honestly? I’ve finally snapped. I didn’t say it last year. I didn’t say it this past December. But, damn it, I’m saying it now. Why fucking me?! What have I done? What didn’t I do? Haven’t I been through enough already? We’re well past the point of making me stronger and starting to edge into killing me territory. Don’t I deserve a fucking break? See? I’ve finally crumbled. I can’t just take a deep breath and move on. I’m whining now.
I’m standing here, stripped bare, shouting into the vast nothingness of this universe stomping my feet like a petulant toddler and I want to know when it’s fucking going to be my turn. I faced the fear of needles down. I threw away any and all shyness I had. I’ve allowed myself to be poked and prodded and evaluated by complete strangers. I have done the right thing at every turn, no matter how hard, no matter how much I didn’t want to. I have earned my chance. I have had more taken from me than you can imagine and I AM OWED.
Last night, after coming home from the sonogram, I had to go to class. I can’t afford to not go to one out of four nights. I swallowed down the tears and put it all aside for four hours. And what happened there? During the break one of the other students asked the teacher about the photo of the toddler on his website and the line about being a new father. I had to sit there with my fingers in my ears and my eyes closed while he showed photos of his 15 month old daughter to the entire room and talked about all the wonderful things she does. Would anyone like to take a stab at how old Lennox and Zoe would be right now? I made it through the last two hours of class somehow. Just like I’ve made it through every day of the past almost 17 months.
I’m tired. I’m angry beyond words. I’ve no more patience for anything. And I’m so very tired.
You are right. It is beyond unfair.
I’m so sorry. I don’t have any useful or comforting words, but I am thinking of you, and wishing very very hard that it was different.
-D.
Just came from the LFCA. I am so fucking angry alongside you. And I’m throwing plates and curses and pleas for mercy and all my rage at the universe – on your behalf and on the behalf of all of us.
You have been patient. You have tried everything x10. You have done and done and done. You have accepted everything that’s come your way and you’ve waded through it and you’ve gotten up to try again and again.
And I so admire you for it.
And for your honestly in sharing all of it.
You’re so strong, but you don’t have to be now if you don’t want to be. You deserve to whine. You deserve to cry and crumble. More than that, you DESERVE a BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, now. Dammit.
I hate this shit. Hate it.
Angry with you. Off to spray something bad into the universe and kick a tree.
F$%#!! That’s all I got….
So sorry to hear about this. You absolutely deserve to kick and whine.
I didn’t check your blog last night in the hopes that if I didn’t check until this afternoon, it would be good news. You know, weird superstitions…I’m sitting here typing through tears because I’ve woken up everyday since your BFP saying a little affirmation for you. I’m so sorry, this is not fair, this sucks, I hate this for you…you aren’t alone, you know that and you know where to find me if you need me…I’m so, so sorry…
Damn straight! The universe can go fuck itself.
I still ask, where are the free passes? When is enough enough? All this shit sucks and yah, even with my blog name, I am not stronger, I am just older and more pissed off.
Fucking fuck this shit sucks.
I am right there with you grieving, no one deserves this and I am so sorry this has happened. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel any different – just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
So fucking unfair. I am angry with you. Very angry. And crying.
F*ck, f*ck, f*ck! As if you haven’t already been through enough! Why you is absolutely frickin’ right. This just sucks and is so unf*ckin’ fair!
Fuck! Why do things have to be so unfair? WHY?
I’m so angry at the universe on your behalf, and just so very very sorry that you have to endure all of this.
Beyond NOT FAIR, into the realm of EXESSIVELY CRUEL. I’m so sorry for all you are enduring.
Salt in the wounds, mounds of salt in big gaping wounds.
You have every reason to rage.
I have no words. I am just so sorry that this has happened. i can’t believe you endured the “hey, doesn’t everyone want to see my baby” stuff. You must have been so numb. Sending love and hugs and all I my good thoughts to sway the universe to see it the way it should be–you with a child in your arms. ((((hugs)))))
I am so so sorry. I wish there were some way to make this better. I wish there were some way to unravel the past and redo it back up with a few things changed along the way. I wish I understood why you? Why this? Why again? When is it going to be your time for rejoicing rather than sorrow? What the fuckity fuck fuck is going on?
I’m so sorry for you. ((hugs)) and prayers your way
i’m so sorry…remembering you today and in the days to come.
I am so sorry this has happened.
And I am so sorry you had to sit through that class!! Insult to injury…
So much wrongness, too much.
This isn’t supposed to keep happening to you. I’m angry at the universe for being so cruel.
Unfair. It is just unfair. I keep waiting for the universe to redeem herself, but she continues to get things wrong so many times-she can be such a sadist bitch.
Sending hugs and strength to you both.
Brutal. And after you’ve gathered superhuman strength to go to class. Ouch.
I want to speak to whomever is in charge here.
I’m pissed off and beyond angry for you! The Universe can kiss my big fat fuckin’ toe!
I’d wish you strength but I know now is not the time…so I’ll wish you peace and love. Although the peace to can sometimes kiss my ass.
Sending you cyber hugs and the right to kick anyones ass you want to!
Just checking in our your blog–all I can say is FUCKDAMNSHIT It is so Fucking Unfair!!! If I could, I would hit someone for you.
Oh, my freaking goodness. My heart sunk as I clicked on your blog today to see this for the first time. It is just truely not fair. You have every right to cry out. It’s not whining.
Thinking of you.
I am so sorry. I wish that I could say or do something to help or make it better. All I can say is that I will be thinking of you. xo
Howl away. I can only imagine how unbearable it was in class last night.
It seems so wrong. I want to howl with you.
I don’t know you, but I hurt with you.
So angry for you, it is just so unfair.
Its completely unfair and you and S. have been through far too much. I don’t really “know” you and I REALLY wanted this to be the time, be the one that work out for you. I am so sorry.
i could have written this a million times over. i have no words for you of comfort – just know that i am thinking of you now…and i have been there before…more times than i could count.