I’d been trying to think of something significant for my 500th post. That just seemed like a milestone that deserved it. Then, just the other day, I realized what today was. I’m not all that good at what I call “circular math”…that is, calculating how long it’s been on a calendar or doing math involving time. I get all mixed up. Plus, I’d reached a point on all of my calendars where I hadn’t filled in any “special” dates. There weren’t any reminders of what today was. I’m not even sure what triggered the realization that today was anything special.
Today, the twins would have been six months old. I’ve been without them for as long as I had them now. That’s hard for me to wrap my brain around.
For the most part, I think I’m doing really well. I still cry at the drop of a hat, but I’m better at recovering from it and at distracting myself from the triggers. I haven’t had THE nightmare in weeks. While there still hasn’t been a single day I haven’t thought about Lennox and Zoë and what happened, there are sometimes stretches of several hours when I don’t think about it. We’re laughing again and it doesn’t feel wrong, or fake. I don’t feel quite so guilty when I realize we’re being happy.
But today. Every day from now on means that they have been gone more than they were here, inside me, under my heart. Every day I lose a little bit more detail. I have to work hard to remember the shape of Lennox’s mouth, or the feel of Zoë’s toes in my hand.
I miss you both so much. Today should have been a much different milestone.
Those memories are hard ones aren’t they. I wish you peace as time continues to march on and over us…
it is so hard how the time and space just keeps putting distance between you, until you feel so far away. of course lennox and zoe will always remain right there in your heart.
sorry #500 is filled with so much sadness.
The dates and realizations of their significance do seem to come out of nowhere. I calculated months ago when I will be exactly 23 weeks and 3 days since they were born/died.
I think it is fitting that today was your 500th post. Your healing inspires me, and I don’t think you need to worry about remembering them - they are in your heart always. I’m sorry today wasn’t the milestone it should have been.
I am so sorry. It will be 20 weeks for us on Sunday, I still keep a mental count every time another Sunday rolls by, but I don’t generally watch the clock anymore like I did at the beginning.
I have always said there is no healing for this kind of thng, but perhaps time does take the edge off the pain after a while?
You are in my prayers today as you remember Zoe and Lennox.
Hugs,
Sumi
http://www.sumijoti.wordpress.com
as always, all my “babies” rest quietly and lovingly in my thoughts and heart…a little extra love to you today…ooxx
The dates can be very hard to take, especially when you are realizing that the memory in your senses is beginning to fade. Insult to injury. I am sorry.
It’s a sad but fitting date and subject for your 500th. I am thinking of all of you today.
Much love, my dear.
*hugs*
I’m sorry these two things had to coincide. (((hugs)))
There are no good words; just sitting here with you, sweetie.
I am so sorry. HUGS
I am listening, and I am thinking of you and your precious babies.
I’m so sorry. It is so hard when you can’t remember the weight or the smell or the touch anymore.
Milestones are hard. Even harder when they “sneak” up on you. I can still remember the feel of Brayden’s cheek (it’s been 4 months), but I’m starting to lose memories of Cooper (one year later this month). It kills me to realize this. I guess that’s why we write.
Six months is so awfully hard. A milestone that should be spent in a much different manner, with a much different post.
Take care, A., and happy 500.
Wishing so hard that this was a different post. My heart still hurts for you.
Remembering Lennox and Zoe today. 3 months was hard… 6 months will be harder. Gentle hugs.
6 months? Has it been that long? It’s hard to grasp.
Remembering your sweet children. Be good to yourself.