I have measured out my life with coffee spoons

Four years of blogging. Huh. Imagine that.

I feel like I should write something more meaningful today. Instead, as a tribute to the utterly clueless college students in starbucks last night who alternately entertained and pissed me off, I’m just going to share a lovely bit of poetry. It’s well suited to a grey autumn day when I’m feeling a bit ambivalent, a little unsettled, a smidge incomplete and at odds about life

And, if those college students happen to stumble across this…T.S. Eliot did not write the musical Cats. He wrote Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, which was the basis for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical. For your sakes, I hope you didn’t put that on the test you were studying for.

Now…

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

- “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T. S. Eliot

Happy blogoversary Our Own Creation. I promise to try to do better than I have lately.

Ask Allison

Sometimes the search terms that bring people to this blog just seem to demand a response of some sort. And since I have nothing else to write about these days….

Oh, and the usual disclaimer. I AM NOT A DOCTOR!!! I’m just someone who has been going through infertility treatment for four years now. I’ve been around the block a few times. Just keep in mind that each person is different and each treatment protocol is customized to you and you alone. My situation may be very different and you should only use my experiences for the most general of comparisons. ASK YOUR DOCTOR AND NURSE!!! That’s what you are paying them thousands of dollars for.

“Is it ok to bend over after IVF”

Yes. I’m assuming the asker just had her transfer done. Your uterus is not hollow like an inflated balloon. That endometrial lining that you had to keep getting checked until it was nice and thick? It’s “fluffy” and “sticky” and fills your uterus. Those embryos aren’t going to get shaken out. Sneeze, pee, poop, bend over, go up stairs, laugh. Those things aren’t going to prevent implantation.

Now, if you just had your egg retrieval it may be painful to bend over. My ovaries were huge after both of my retrievals and just standing up was a real effort. So you might not WANT to bend over. The way I see it, I go through weeks of shots and all that discomfort AND surgery…my husband can do the bending over for a few days. I even make him put my shoes on for me.

“How long to take pio after f”

That one got cut off, but I assume that last word was FET. Well, after the FET that resulted in the twins, I had to take PIO injections daily until my progesterone level reached 15 after a night without an injection. We started testing at 9 weeks and I finally reached that point at 11 weeks.

“How many days of gonal f before ganirelix”
I don’t know if I’m a good basis for comparison because I respond REALLY well to stims. I’ll give you my stats from my one follistim/ganirelix IVF cycle and maybe others will chime in in the comments. It really depends on your particular condition, dose, age, and possibly the phase of the moon and the time of year for all I know. I did 7 days of follistim before I started the ganirelix, then I did three days of follistim AND ganirelix, then one more day of just ganirelix. If you want to see the summary of that entire cycle, you can find it here.

“how do you feel day 2 taking stims for i”
Again, that one got cut off so it’s either IVF or IUI. Either way, I don’t think I felt much on day 2 of taking stims. I mean, according to Dr. N, I respond to stims like someone 10 years younger, but I don’t remember anything that fast! Now, lupron starts to give me headaches pretty early on, but two days of stims isn’t really enough to get those eggs poppin’. That said, if you ARE feeling bad, funny, or just different and you aren’t sure…call your nurse and just ask if what you are feeling is normal. Trust me, they’ve been asked stranger questions. Probably by me.

“Shake baby into position during NT scan”
Ok, I had to read that one a couple of times, then realized what you meant. That was awful! I’m pretty sure Zoe was playing hard to get at our NT scan and simply would not turn the right way for the peri to take the measurement. So, using the external ultrasound wand thingy, he bounced those babies around! HARD! I mean, I was afraid I was going to fall off the bed and if you watch the video you’d get seasick! Scared me half to death. But, those scans have a small window in which they can be done and so they try really hard to get them in the right position. Finally, I had to climb on and off the bed a few times to try to shift them.

“What is estradiol test”
It’s a blood test to check your E2 level. The way I’ve explained it to myself is that first your estrogen level has to be low enough to indicate that your ovaries have been fully suppressed so that the doctor can take control of them with the medications. Then, your estrogen level has to be increased to the level of just-before-ovulation (that’s when you trigger and have your retrieval). It’s used in conjuction with sonograms to monitor how you are responding to suppression meds and stims. They’ll draw a vial of blood from the veins on the inside of your elbow, it gets tested and, at least at my clinic, they usually have the results in 2-4 hours at which time they call and tell me how to adjust or alter my medications.

“how many doses in follistim 300iu cartridge”
Well, that depends on what dosage your doctor puts you on. Yes, they do overfill the cartridges, but there’s no guarantee of how much extra is in them. So, if your daily dose is 150iu, count on two injections from a 300iu cartridge and you’ll probably be able to get at least a partial dose from it as well, but don’t rely on that.

“what has more inertia prune juice carro”
Wow, I’d love to see the rest of that search! Um. I have no idea. The last physics class I took was in 1990 and it was “Physics of Sound and Music” so I have no idea about the inertia of prune juice or carrot juice. Good luck with that.

“low beta successful pregnancy fet”
First, I’m so very sorry. I know EXACTLY how much stress you’re feeling right now and I hope your subsequent betas show a significant increase. In the meantime, back away from the internet. Just stop googling right now. I promise you, nothing you find will make you feel any better and all of it will raise more questions, concerns and worries than it will answer or prevent. Good luck to you.

“pio shots and itching”
Ok, good. Someone else seems to be experiencing this. I actually have two different issues with PIO. PIO in oil, after a while makes me itch like a rashy, insect bite kind of itch. I found that using progesterone in ethyl oleate not only took care of that itch, it also seems to inject faster. The other issues I have, and it may be my fault, is that the areas where we inject the PIO, which I numb with ice packs prior to injection seem to have reduced skin sensation now. I’m wondering if literally freezing my ass has damaged the nerves a bit because I get this weird numb/itchy feeling from time to time. I’m just so damn scared of that needle that I can’t bring myself NOT to ice first. But, if you’re getting itching after each injection, ask your doctor if you can switch to the ethyl oleate. Can’t hurt, might help and as far as I know the cost is the same and every pharmacy I’ve used carries it.

Last one for the day…

“Metallic taste in mouth with methotrexate”
Yep. It’s like sucking on aluminum foil and nothing covers it up. I only had the one injection of it and the bad taste lasted just a day or two if I remember correctly (you’ll excuse me for trying to forget as much of THAT experience as possible) but when I googled it, I found multiple mentions of it in forum postings of cancer patients. I think I got past it with a tin of chocolate covered cinnamon altoids.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Please take a moment to remember the little ones who aren’t here and the families who deal every day with the loss. Whether a pregnancy lasted only days or went to full term, whether a baby was stillborn, never made it out of the NICU or went home for a time, chances are everyone reading this has experienced or knows someone who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy or an infant. And no matter how long it has been, they still remember.

Please, visit The March of Dimes’ Website to see what you can do to help prevent prematurity. Visit Resolve, the National Infertility Association’s website to see what you can do to help advance infertility research.

Prematurity has been escalating steadily and alarmingly over the past two decades. One out of eight babies is born prematurely in the United States. Preterm delivery can happen to any pregnant woman.

The information is from the March of Dimes, the emphasis is mine.

hurdles

So, I had almost enough frequent flier miles to get a free ticket. It cost less to buy additional miles than it would have to purchase the ticket outright. Then, I found out there’s an “Animal Fibers Fair” in Asheville and I’ve really wanted to find some nice wool to do some fancier projects. And I looooove Asheville. And I haven’t been back home in a long time.

But…

I haven’t been more than 45 miles away from Shannon in two years. The mere thought of it makes my stomach clench into little knots. I’m not worried about anything happening to me. I’m afraid of being far away if something happened to him. I stopped making him check in as soon as he got to work about a year ago, but I still prefer it if he tells me when he’s leaving the office every evening. It’s the being unable to get to him right away if he needed me that I can’t seem to get beyond.

I booked the ticket. The little bit I paid for it is non-refundable. It’s not like I’m going off on my own to some strange place. I’m going to visit my mom and dad. And I’m really looking forward to it. I just wish it didn’t make me so anxious. I know it’s just one of those hurdles I have to get past. I just wish it didn’t feel like such a BIG hurdle.

and knitting, and knitting, and knitting….

Well, crocheting really. I tried for years to learn how to knit. Let’s just say the cats were always very accepting of my final product. After all, it doesn’t matter if it’s more trapezoid than rectangle if you’re just going to lie on it in the sun.

Crocheting, though, that’s a fiber art I seem to be able to get my brain around. I’ve been having great fun with it. I love yarn…soft yarn, thick wooly yarn, silky bamboo yarn. And it requires very little fuss to get started. I mean, I love painting with watercolors, but by the time I’ve gotten the paper rinsed and taped down, dried, dampened, paints moistened, clean water, clean rags…whew, I’ve lost my groove! For this, all I need is string and a stick.

So far, these are all of the things I’ve made, starting with the first thing I made and ending with the one I did last night.

First, the ruffly pink hat that might be for someone’s christmas present (and it comes with the reassurance that she doesn’t have to wear the things her crazy aunt makes for her). The scarf is actually the fourth thing I made because it took so long. I started it right after the hat, but didn’t finish it until after Cthulhu. And the color in the photo sucks. It’s dark purple with pink and gray stripes.

Then we have the tiny ninja, complete with shiruken.

Next came Cthulhu with his (ahem) mighty wings and horrifying tentacles. I particularly like how he seems to have struck a pose of staring just off center, out in to space. He’s such a show-off!

Then the weather here started getting funky, dipping into the 50s and damp and windy. Lots of places still had their A/C set for 90+ degree days and my hands were getting cold. So, I made a few pairs of fingerless gloves. I know, some of you might say, “What’s the point?” but I prefer these to regular gloves. I can still DO things with them on and they do still keep my hands warm. Plus, I just love the colors and the feel of these yarns.

Then came The Grim Reaper, who looks more like a gansta in a hoodie so it’s really important that he carry his scythe with him at all times.

Finally, last night I put the finishing touches on the Queen Vampire with the big head.

Up next? Nosferatu. I like his big ears.

And since I’m on a photo binge here….this is the splint I’ve had to wear on my left hand for the past two weeks. I tried to share the xray in which I’m giving the finger, but so far I can’t open the files. We have no idea what is wrong with my finger beyond the fact that it hurts. Not all the time, of course, but when it does it can be bad enough to wake me up in the middle of the night or make me drop whatever I’ve picked up. Bleh.

And finally, gratuitous photo of cats in shoe boxes. Spend tons of money of fancy beds and climbing apparatus for them and they’ll spend a week fighting over who gets the blue shoe box. They spent 6 hours swapping from one to the other two days ago.

Food for thought

“Fear not what is not real, never was and never will be. What is real, always was and cannot be destroyed.”
~Bhagavad Gita

Deep thoughts on a birthday eve.

Finally!

It’s starting to get pleasantly cool at night and that makes me want soups and stews for dinner. Nevermind that we’re still hitting 85 or so during the day!

I’m always looking for new soup recipes, so I thought I’d propose a sort of recipe swap. I’m going to post the soup recipe I made last night, which was fantastic (after a little fiddling with the original Bon Appetit recipe. Then, I’m inviting anyone who wants to add a link to their blog and post a favorite soup recipe on their own website. Think of it as a virtual taste tour and a way to expand your recipe repertoire!

Happy eating!

(I found the original recipe in Bon Appetit and made a few changes to it to fit my pantry at the time. Then, I made a few changes as it cooked because I thought it needed a bit more intense flavor. This is my final variation on it. For clarity I’ve tried to put all of my comments at the end!)

Phase one…the beans

1 pound dried flageolets
8 cups room temp water
2 T olive oil
1 large head of garlic, with just the loose peels removed and about 1/2 inch of the top sliced off to expose the cloves
1 handful of fresh sage sprigs
1/4 t whole peppercorns¹
1t kosher salt

After picking through beans to check for any stones or bad beans, soak the beans overnight in enough water to cover them generously.

Drain the beans and put them in a large heavy pot. Add the 8 cups of water, the olive oil, the garlic, the peppercorns, and the sage. Bring to a high simmer, then reduce the temperature to allow them to slowly simmer, uncovered for about 90 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add in 1t kosher salt. Continue to simmer, adding more water if necessary to keep the beans covered, until they are tender. Remove from heat and allow the beans to cool in the liquid for an hour.

Using a slotted spoon, remove the garlic, sage, and peppercorns. DO NOT DRAIN THE BEANS!! You want that cooking liquid.

¹ I put the peppercorns in loose. Next time, I think I’ll put them in the mesh steeping ball-thingy I use to make mulled cider. Finding all of those peppercorns in a pale green beany sauce is a pain in the butt! As for the sage, focus on getting all the stems. You’ll miss a few leaves but it wont matter.

Phase 2….is it soup yet?
3T olive oil
chopped onion
chopped carrot
chopped celery²
3.5 c water (or more)
the beans WITH their cooking liquid
1 large tomato, seeded, finely chopped³
1 cup of small uncooked soup pasta….I used tubetti.  I wouldn’t go any bigger than small elbows or shells and I think things like alphabets or orzo would be too small.
Dry white wine
juice of one lemon
salt and pepper to taste

Sweat the onions, celery, and carrots in the olive oil until soft. Add onion mixture, tomatoes, a splash of white wine and water to the beans and cooking liquid. Bring to a simmer for 25 minutes. Add pasta (and more water if necessary…remember the pasta is going to soak up some of the liquid) and increase to a high simmer/low boil until pasta is cooked just to al dente. Season with salt and pepper to taste. If you feel the soup needs a bit more something, add the lemon juice (a couple of teaspoons at a time, stir and taste). Serve sprinkled with parmesan.

² Honestly, does anyone really measure these three things when making soup? If you’re like me, you use one onion, a couple of carrots and a couple stalks of celery.

³I used romas, because I had them…about 6 I think.  I never bother to seed tomatoes for things like this.  You could also probably easily get away with a can of drained diced tomatoes.

Have a recipe you want to share? Post a link below!

This is my first time using Mr. Linky. Let me know if you have any problems.

99 things

Ok, so I’ve been an incredibly lax blogger these days. There are only so many things I can write about the fact that:

I still don’t have a job (although I had my second interview in almost a year this past week)
we aren’t currently cycling and don’t know exactly when we will
we still haven’t sold the house (although we had TWO showings today…our first since listing with the new agent three weeks ago)
I’ve turned into a crocheting fool!

I have had some entry ideas tossing around in my head, but they never seem to make it to the “paper” so to speak.
In the meantime, I haven’t done any annoying memes in awhile, so I googled around until I found one that interested me. Here ya go. If you are reading, consider yourself tagged but only if you want to be.

THE 99 THINGS MEME

1. Started your own blog.
Um…
2. Slept under the stars.
Yes, quite a few times at summer camp
3. Played in a band.
Not unless you count Guitar Hero
4. Visited Hawaii.
Not yet
5. Watched a meteor shower.
Yes. One summer I drove up to an outlook point on the Blue Ridge Parkway to watch the Perseid meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
Well, that would be a bit irresponsible. I do donate regularly to several charities though.
7. Been to Disneyland/world.
I’ve been to Disney World at least twice. The only thing I remember about the first visit was getting separated from my parents
8. Climbed a mountain.
Yes, although it’s a much simpler process when you are in the Appalachian Mountains than, say the Himalayas
9. Held a praying mantis.
Just the other day, in fact. A huge one was hanging around on our front door and I thought it would be happier in the flower bed.
10. Sang a solo.
Only when alone in my car. Trust me, it’s better that way.
11. Bungee jumped.
Yes! Virginia Beach, summer of 1989.
12. Visited Paris.
Yes, and it was one of those moments I’d dreamed of for years come true.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
Well, we got caught in a lightning storm while out boating one July near Boston. At the time, it was the most
terrifying thing I’d ever been through.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
Calligraphy, knitting, crocheting, cross-stitch, upholstery, sewing
15. Adopted a child.
Not yet, but it might happen
16. Had food poisoning.
Oh, yes. Definitely. Someday I might be able to eat lobster again.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
Several times in the same day! Take four girls ages about 10-13 to the Statue of Liberty and see how many times they can run up
those stairs!
18. Grown your own vegetables.
Yes, and it’s something I’ve missed being able to do these past years.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
Yes. I was more blown away by Michelangelo’s David in Florence, though.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
I don’t know that what I did was sleep. I napped on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
Are there people who haven’t had pillow fights? Go, have one right now if that’s the case. I’ll wait.
22. Hitch hiked.
No, because while I’m kinda crazy I’m NOT batshit insane.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
I’m gonna plead the fifth on this one.
24. Built a snow fort.
Raleigh, NC isn’t really known for its prodigious snows, but when we had them, I played in them. I’m sure there were attempts at
snow forts.
25. Held a lamb.
Not that I remember. Baby goats, sure. There may have been lambs at one of those petting zoos….
26. Gone skinny dipping.
Yeppers.
27. Run a marathon.
I can only imagine what that would do to my flat feet.
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
No, because by the time I got to Venice I didn’t have much money, but I rode on the vaporetto several times.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
A couple
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
How could you not watch a sunset? Vampire? Yes, I’ve watched both.
31. Hit a home run.
No. I have a huge fear of hard objects being thrown at me at high speeds.
32. Been on a cruise.
Nope.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
Yes. Rode the Maid of the Mists even.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
Well, I went to Italy, but didn’t make it to Sicily. I haven’t been to Hungary or Germany or Ireland. So, that’s a sort-of-but-not-quite.
35. Seen an Amish community.
On the same trip that took me to Niagara Falls, we went to Lancaster Co., Pennsylvania and were going to visit a working Amish
farm but at the last minute I got a serious case of the creeps about touring the farm because it felt too much like seeing this
family in a zoo and I refused to go. We drove around quite a bit though.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
I started teaching myself Mandarin, then took classes. Then, I took some Japanese classes and have been studying on my own
(and with Shannon) since.
37.Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
If I understand the spirit behind this one, then yes. When I was working we had reached an income level at which we were happy
and able to live the way we wanted.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
Not yet.
39. Gone rock climbing.
I’m going to have to do a LOT more work on the pull-up machine at the gym before I could even consider this one.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person.
Yes and it was one of those moments in life that I will never forget.
41. Sung Karaoke.
I’m embarassed to admit that, yes, I have sung karaoke…at a pub…in Edinburgh. We sang The Beach Boy’s “California Girls”….badly.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
Nope.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.
No, but I have paid for someone else’s coffee, given a woman money for a DART pass, and filled random parking meters.
44. Visited Africa.
No, but I’d like to.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
Yes.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
Yes, when I was transferred from the hospital I checked into when Lennox’s membrane ruptured to the hospital with the trauma
NICU.
47. Had your portrait painted.
I had my portrait done in oil pastels when I was in 3rd grade, I think.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
I’ve been fishing on the ocean, many, many, many years ago (and by fishing I mean I probably had my hands on the fishing pole
while my father held it and then I went back to playing with my friend) but I don’t think you’d consider it deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
No, I didn’t make it to Rome.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
The day I spent walking around Paris, the Eiffel Tower was closed. I went to the top of the Arc de Triomphe instead.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
No.
52. Kissed in the rain.
I’m sure at some point in the past ten years, I’ve kissed in the rain. I mean, hell, it just rained here every day for 10 days and I’m
pretty sure I kissed Shannon at least once in that time. Oh…do you mean out IN the rain? Well, that I’m not as sure about. I
usually come in out of the rain!
53. Played in the mud.
Yeah.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
Yes! More than once.
55. Been in a movie.
Yes, but I was crowd-filler so I can’t really prove it. It was that cinematic masterpiece, “Heavyweights”
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
No and I’m still bitter about it. I was going to China after my high school graduation, but just before we were supposed to leave,
the tanks rolled into Tiananmen Square.
57. Started a business.
Yes. I had a VERY small landscaping business briefly.
58. Taken a martial arts class
No, but I’ve thought about it often.
59. Visited Russia.
No.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
I didn’t serve at a soup kitchen, but I volunteered at an overnight shelter.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
No, I was never a Girl Scout or an Indian Princess or any of that sort of thing. I don’t think I would have been very good at that.
62. Gone whale watching.
Yes, we did that not long before we left Massachusetts. That was a great fun day.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.
Yes, because I have a sweet guy!
64. Donated blood.
Once, then I promptly passed out. I tried to do it again a couple of years ago, but my pulse rate was too high and they wouldn’t
let me.
65. Gone sky diving.
No and Shannon says I’m not allowed to.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
No.
67. Bounced a check.
Unfortunately, yes.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
No and I’m not sure I ever will. I’m pretty sure I’d hurl.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
I have quite a few of my childhood toys…my Mrs. Beezley doll (complete with the, um, custom haircut), Noodles the stuffed
dog-bear, my red cash register, my toy phones…there’s at least one box in my garage and one or two more in my parents’ garage.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
Not that I remember. I haven’t been to DC with time to play tourist in a very long time. I’m hoping to change that once we move
back east.
71. Eaten Caviar.
I’ve had fish roe on sushi, and I don’t care for it, but I haven’t ever had Beluga/Sevruga/Osetra Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
One or two.
73. Stood in Times Square.
On New Year’s Eve, even.
74. Toured the Everglades.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ve been in the Everglades or not. We traveled to lots of places when I was younger and I’ve forgotten a
great many of them sadly.
75. Been fired from a job.
No. Laid-off, yes.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.
Yes.
77. Broken a bone.
Officially, like it is listed in my medical record somewhere? No, but I’m pretty sure I’ve broken a toe in the past.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
Yes
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
Only from the airplane as we flew home from Vegas.
80. Published a book.
No.
81. Visited the Vatican.
Didn’t I answer this earlier? Isn’t the Sistine Chapel part of the Vatican?
82. Bought a brand new car.
Yes.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
No, but I’d really like to some day.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
Yeah, a couple of times
85. Read the entire Bible.
I’ve read large portions of it, but not the entire thing.
86. Visited the White House.
No.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
No.
88. Had chickenpox.
If I did, it was a very mild case. We’ve always gone on the assumption that I never had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
Not that I’m aware of.
90. Sat on a jury.
Yep. I was the jury foreman on a drug possession trial.
91. Met someone famous.
I met Andy Griffith and Charles Kuralt.
92. Joined a book club.
A book club as in a group of people who get together to discuss books or a we’ll-send-you-a-book-every-month-unless-you-tell-us-not-to book club? No to the former, yes to the latter. Although, I was a literature major so you could make the argument that college was a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
I suppose there are a great many people who go through this list and get to this item and don’t get a huge, painful empty ache
in their chests. I am not one of them. The list of loved ones I’ve lost is longer than I wish to consider right now.
94. Had a baby.
I had two beautiful, perfect babies. I miss them very much.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
Urgh, after the last two items, this seems rather silly. But, yes, I’ve seen the Alamo. It wouldn’t be that hard to forget it, honestly.
It’s much smaller than you anticipate it being.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
No.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
Yes. I was deposed as a witness for the defense in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
One or two. :eyeroll:
99. Been stung by a bee.
Bees, wasps, yellow jackets, fire ants, nettles…
so far no jellyfish or scorpions.

So, there ya go. 99 things about me. Who’s next?

Wow

Ten years.

I can’t believe it’s been that long nor that is has gone by so fast. It seems like just last month I sat outside that Starbucks waiting to meet face-to-face with this friend I’d met online.

We got married in a hurricane. It looks like we’ll be celebrating in a thunderstorm today. In between, we’ve stood strong together against forces that would have wiped us out individually.

A few years ago, Shannon said, “You never have to panic as long as I am around.” So far, he’s been right. No matter how dark it gets, no matter how frightened I am, I can always just reach out and touch him and know I’m not alone.

He’s the guy who rubs my feet at the end of the day. He’s the one who will go out at sunset to bring in the laundry because the mutant mosquitos leave him alone. He’s the one who goes along with the plan to pull on our shoes with our pajamas and go to Sonic for a milkshake. He laughs at stupid online cat videos and laughs at me laughing at sneezing pandas. He puts me to be most nights by answering the question, “Why do you love me today?”

I don’t have any words that describe this guy or how much I love him. One of my favorite artists, Brian Andreas, comes close….

When I first met him, I knew in a moment I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there’d be room for him to stay. ~”Making Room“

Happy Tenth Anniversary, Shannon. I can’t wait to see what the next ten are like.

PTSD in NICU parents

I’m sure everyone has already seen the post over at Stirrup Queens, but just in case I wanted to post it here as well.

The New York Times has a post on post-traumatic stress disorder in NICU parents. It’s sort of one of those “well, duh” things but that’s probably a result of my perspective. I can’t put into words what being a NICU parent was like for those short three weeks and I can only imagine how hard it is for those who survived the NICU only to have to continue facing the on-going issues. I wish the article had addressed parents who didn’t bring their children home from the NICU as well. I think both types of parents suffer from Why-Aren’t-You-Over-It syndrome, which compounds the stress and makes it even harder to seek help.

I know that seventeen months later I still have nightmares; I still find myself suddenly remembering days in the NICU in vivid details, out of the blue in non-related settings…heart-stopping episodes in the grocery store or sitting in Starbucks; I can’t sleep more than I can…unless it’s when I want to be awake, THEN I can’t seem to keep my eyes open; I’ll probably never ride another exercise bike with a heart rate monitor on it; and I have yet to be more than a 30-minute drive away from Shannon. I avoid being around/discussing/overhearing discussion about infants and toddlers. That one takes particular creativity. I find myself imagining horrible accidents happening to other loved ones if I don’t keep a tight rein on my thoughts. What’s the daydream equivalent of a nightmare?

My major accomplishment? Twice I’ve been asked about my necklace and been able to give a neutral explanation without tearing up or giving the asker more information than they wanted.

Fortunately, I don’t have a problem with beeping sounds. From the very beginning in the NICU, we got the nurses and therapists to explain to us how to read the monitors and charts and what each alarm meant. I think being able to separate out the normal beeps from the emergency beeps and being able to distinguish between what was a capital-E emergency beep from a tired baby who needs a little higher oxygen emergency was a life-saver.

I count myself lucky. I do more than function. I do laugh. I don’t think I’ve made so many accomodations out of a need to protect myself that I’ve lost a significant part of my daily life. I continue to move forward.

I never did go to see a therapist. I probably should have but there is so much inertia and anxiety about it. How to find a good therapist. How to find one who isn’t going to bring religion into it (as I looked through the profiles of therapists covered by my insurance I was floored by how many listed faith-based therapy. The ones that didn’t mostly specialized in children and adolescents.). In the end, for better or worse, this is my therapy.