Status update

So, I took two doses of vicodin yesterday, one about an hour after I got home and one just before bed. That pretty much guaranteed a full day and night of sleep. This morning, I woke up with a bit of a narcotic hangover that stuck with me until about 2pm. Other than that, physically I feel like any other day. No cramping, no bleeding, no pain. So, things have gone as well as they could for the situation.

In between naps

went as smoothly as it could. two doses of morphine before I left, reassured them I’d be fine without a third. Just slept off the first two hours of my first dose of vicodin.

Almost no cramping, very light bleeding. Just extremely heart-sore. Should have the chromosomal testing results in 2-3 weeks.

Interesting tidbit to share when I’m not so dopey.

Thanks for the shouts!

Planning ahead

Ok, so we hit the grocery store yesterday. Today, I’m getting the bread dough made and doing as much prep work for Thursday and Friday’s dinners as I can so that all Shannon has to do is actually bake the bread and either bring the stew to a simmer or broil the salmon filets. I have my prescription for vicodin filled. I’ve set the dvr to record some trashy tv shows today for me to watch in my drugged haze for the next two days. I have a two-foot tall pack of the biggest, thickest pads I could find (just in case). I have jello chocolate pudding. The only thing I don’t have is ginger ale because I didn’t feel like driving back across the county to whole foods to get their ginger ale. I might ask Shannon to bring some home tonight.

We have to be at the clinic at 7:30 in the morning. I have to fill out a brief survey to wrap up my participation in the drug study that helped pay for my IVF cycle and I have to bring in all of the empty vials/boxes of drugs that we used. The procedure is scheduled for 8:30. I’ll be receiving IV antibiotics, then put under IV sedation (which they also use for egg retrieval and for my hysteroscopy/laparoscopy so I know I’ll be sound asleep). Dr. N said it should take about 15 minutes and that she doesn’t do any scraping to prevent scarring. After that, it’s a wait-and-see game about going home. It depends on my pain level and my breathing mostly. I will try to remember to get Shannon to post an update, but it’s probably safe to assume that no news just means I’m being a druggy, needy patient and he’s too busy fixing me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup to log on. He’s had waaaay too much practice at being my nurse I’m afraid.

I really appreciate the great shout. I’m so far past the point of sympathy and kind words just seem to make me feel raw even though I know in my heart how well intentioned they are. But knowing that such a huge bunch of internet friends are shouting “FUCK TACOS MUD KIPZ BALL SACK” at the universe makes me feel better. My voice might get lost in the noise, but everyone shouting it is sure to get through. Thanks for that.

The morning after

We’re both still here and standing. It’s probably more from sheer will power and stubbornness than anything else, but it’s all we’ve got. I appreciate the great howl at the universe. Maybe this time it will get through because, honestly? I’ve finally snapped. I didn’t say it last year. I didn’t say it this past December. But, damn it, I’m saying it now. Why fucking me?! What have I done? What didn’t I do? Haven’t I been through enough already? We’re well past the point of making me stronger and starting to edge into killing me territory. Don’t I deserve a fucking break? See? I’ve finally crumbled. I can’t just take a deep breath and move on. I’m whining now.

I’m standing here, stripped bare, shouting into the vast nothingness of this universe stomping my feet like a petulant toddler and I want to know when it’s fucking going to be my turn. I faced the fear of needles down. I threw away any and all shyness I had. I’ve allowed myself to be poked and prodded and evaluated by complete strangers. I have done the right thing at every turn, no matter how hard, no matter how much I didn’t want to. I have earned my chance. I have had more taken from me than you can imagine and I AM OWED.

Last night, after coming home from the sonogram, I had to go to class. I can’t afford to not go to one out of four nights. I swallowed down the tears and put it all aside for four hours. And what happened there? During the break one of the other students asked the teacher about the photo of the toddler on his website and the line about being a new father. I had to sit there with my fingers in my ears and my eyes closed while he showed photos of his 15 month old daughter to the entire room and talked about all the wonderful things she does. Would anyone like to take a stab at how old Lennox and Zoe would be right now? I made it through the last two hours of class somehow. Just like I’ve made it through every day of the past almost 17 months.

I’m tired. I’m angry beyond words. I’ve no more patience for anything. And I’m so very tired.

third sono

No heartbeat.

No growth since last week.

D&C scheduled for Thursday.

Personally, I’d like whomever is in charge of this fucking circus that is my life to go shove it up their ass.

No sympathy please. I’m not in the mood for kind thoughts. Cussing is allowed.

just killing time

Today’s sono appointment is at 4:15 so we have a few hours to wait.

I was fine all week, but suddenly I’m feeling anxious and antsy for this afternoon to get here.

101 degrees

outside. I am eternally thankful for the lack of humidity and the presence of a nice breeze.

Since we don’t know anyone with a pool, I splurged on a giant inflatable pool. It’s 22 inches deep and big enough across for me to completely stretch out and rest my head on the side wall. It just fits on our gazebo, so it can be in the shade. And, it has three cup holders.

It took two evenings to get it inflated and almost an hour to fill. I spent nearly three hours in it today, in as close to total bliss as I think I can get. I hung a sheet up across the one side of the gazebo to block the sun, I filled my water bottle with lemon slices and ice water, I had my mystery novel and absolutely no responsibilities for the entire day. Best $30 purchase I’ve made in awhile.

I have a feeling if you need me over the next few weeks, you’d better look in the backyard!

It’s not a raft tied to the boathouse dock in the lake, but if I close my eyes the sound of the traffic a mile away almost sounds like boats and the bees buzzing around the catmint sound like the crickets in the grass. It isn’t precisely where I want to be, but it’s a damn fine substitution!

Welcome to week 7

Goodness! Two weeks ago, I wasn’t sure we’d make it to this point. There really isn’t all that much to report, oddly enough. I’m trying very hard not to compare to the twins’ pregnancy. I KNOW that was a very different situation. Still, it’s my only personal frame of reference. At this point I was already unable to wear my usual pants and I was trying my best to puke myself inside out (Shannon and I have debates on how much of that was the twins and how much was the gall bladder thing).

Now, while I can definitely tell a difference in the fit of my pants I can still wear them without too much discomfort (thank goodness! I really don’t want to have to waste money on a summer maternity wardrobe if I can help it.) and so far, I’ve had almost no morning sickness. I’ve had maybe two instances of being mildly queasy that could as easily be attributed to external circumstances as pregnancy. I am probably going to have to go for a new bra fitting soon though. Shannon’s been keeping a close eye on that for me.

What I AM experiencing is almost constant hunger. I’ve started carrying snacks in my purse and making sure there’s a banana or some sort of cereal/granola bar beside the bed for 4am. I take so many bathroom breaks, I’m starting to consider asking Shannon if we can just move the TV in there so I can stay there. Given the opportunity, I’d go to bed at 8pm and sleep until 9 or so. I can smell just about anything anywhere, but for some bizarre reason I couldn’t smell the most wonderful molten chocolate cake things baking in my oven while I stood right next to it. I could smell the chocolate bar, but I couldn’t smell it baking. Everyone else could. How weird is that?! At least I could taste it! (I’m too lazy to find the link. Google Gordon Ramsey Chocolate Fondant and take a look at the link for the BBC’s website. Three words…Oh. My. G-D!)

Anyway, that’s all the news I have. Still feeling just fine. I have just enough symptoms to reassure me but not enough to make me miserable as the mercury hits 101 today. A cautiously happy Happy Seven Weeks to me. Only five more days until sono #3.

A Good Cause

Please take a second and vote for Carly!

From Carly at To Write Their Names In The Sand:

“Dear friends,

You may or may have not heard of the Creative For A Cause competition over at canon.com.

In their own words “A single photograph can represent the voices of a hundred, thousand or even a million people”

Canon are looking for one photograph. The photograph that receives the most amount of votes will win $60 000 to go to their favorite charity. The photographer will also win a Canon package for themselves.

I have entered this competition and if Christian’s photo is the winner I have chosen Sids and Kids Australia as my award recipient. I will be honest in saying that having the benefit of a brand new professional camera would be a real treat for us too!

So please if you have the time visit http://www1.canon.com.au/creativeforacause/Photo/Gallery.aspx?photo=7226BF85555E4597 and vote for us in memory of all children lost too soon. We believe this one photo doesn’t just represent Christian, but all his other friends too.

Thank you for your support.

With Love,

Carly Dudley and the team at To Write Their Names In The Sand”

Monday morning sono

So we continue in our quest for ambiguity. The sac is still measuring small, but it is bigger than it was on Friday. Instructions? Keep drinking water. Folks, that’s a bad instruction to give in Shannon’s presence. All weekend, if he saw I didn’t have a full water bottle in my hand or nearby, he’d rush off to re-fill it. It’s become a perfect in/out flow. Our bathroom just isn’t that interesting that I want to spend all of my time in there.

Everything else is still measuring on schedule. Shannon and Dr. N could definitely see the flicker of the heartbeat (there was no way I was going to see anything at that angle so I just gave up and let my head rest comfortably on the table). We still couldn’t hear it though. My uterus sits very high, which makes it hard for the wand to pick it up and there’s a lot of me between the abdominal probe and that very tiny sound. But Dr. N was definitely reassured by the obvious growth in the past three days and gave permission to return to normal activity levels. As long as nothing happens to require an emergency trip to the clinic, we’re going to give it a whole week before we take another look. I’m actually fine with that. I get very anxious on my way to her office and in the waiting room and my digestive system bears the brunt of it. I may invest in a few pee-sticks just to keep a certain someone else a little more relaxed and certainly by next Monday afternoon we’ll hear it with no problem.